Looking at Myself in the Mirror as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

Self Portrait

I don’t know who is going to read this or if anyone will read it at all… but I do know I have to do this…

Disclaimer: I’m not a Licensed Therapist or Counselor. I don’t have any degrees or formal training in psychology. (Heck, I’m not a polished writer, either.) All I have is experience.

My name is Steve and let me start with my story:

I wasn’t raised in an ideal home environment. My younger days were filled with chaos, insecurity, fear, loneliness, and best of all, shame. You see, I grew up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional-filled house. My father was “The Partyer” and my mother was “The Worker.” The only thing that felt “normal” in my life was that every day was unpredictable. Which dad was coming home (or is he coming home)? Is it the fun, joking father or the angry, rage-filled one? Will I be told that I’m “stupid” or “dumb” again because of a low test grade? Will I be at my grandparent's house all night because my mother is working extra hours or will I have to step in-between my parents during a physical shouting match?

I have learned to cope with the chaos of life in different ways — ways that seemed “normal” to me and the environment I was in.

I may have physically matured and I’m no longer in the same environment but I’m still viewing life through the same lenses as I did when I was younger.

Dr. Jan Woititz has stated, “The child of an alcoholic has no age. The same things hold true if you are 5 or 55.”

I may be physically older (I’m 42, by the way), but there are times in life where I feel emotionally and mentally like that child growing up in that alcoholic house.

And now here I am, at the end of the year 2020. COVID. Social justice. Elections. No school. No work. No family gatherings. Our society is on edge and you can cut the tension in the air. Not to mention the “heaviness” you can feel on social media filled with people who are just offended.

And I’m done.

My Outlook

I’m done with living in denial. I’m done with my low self-esteem. I’m done judging myself harshly. I’m done feeling isolated and alone. I’m done with feeling like a failure.

I don’t know who is going to read this or if anyone will read it at all… but I do know I have to do this. I need to do this. We need to do this.

This is for a brighter future.

I’m inviting you to take a walk with me. A walk of looking in the mirror of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACA). Note: You may not have been raised in an alcoholic home, but if you were surrounded with dysfunction or addiction growing up, these characteristics may apply to you as well. It may not be an easy walk, heck, even as I type this, I’m thinking, “what the hell am I doing? I want to quit!” But I know I can’t. This is how I end all of my ideas and I’m done living like that. There’s an uneasiness in my stomach but I must press forward.

With each post, I want to take an in-depth look at some of the common characteristics of ACA’s. In discussing these characteristics, please don’t view them as defects in you. Instead, my hope is that as you read and see these experiences and feelings, it would help validate what you may be feeling. It is not an attempt to label myself or you, but give us an understanding of why we react the way we do. This is to aid in our walk for a brighter future.

Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

1. Guess at what normal is.
2. Consistently seek approval and affirmation from others.
3. Difficulty following through on a project from beginning to end.
4. Fear of losing control, including emotions or feelings
5. Judge themselves without mercy.
6. Difficulty with intimate relationships.
7. Deal with abandonment issues.
8. Struggle with having fun — takes themselves seriously.
9. View themselves as different from others — shame.
10. Deal with low self-esteem.
11. Are extremely loyal.
12. Have a fear of authority figures.
13. Attracted to people they can rescue — confuse love with pity.
14. Has a victim mentality.

As you look over this list, you may feel a little overwhelmed. I certainly was the first time I read this but I can tell you, the more you explore your past, the better you’ll learn to express your needs and challenge your internal beliefs in new and helpful ways.

You see, the pathway to emotional and mental wellness begins with accepting two basic rights:

You have the right to talk, discuss, chat about the real issues.

You have the right to feel the real and raw emotions.

Take these rights and use them to move forward. This place is created to be a nonjudgmental environment. I’m doing this because I want you to experience breakthroughs in your life and experience freedom living as your true self without having to worry about what people may think.

Lastly, you’re not alone.

The hope of Lumiphos is to build community. To share experiences. To support one another. To have hope for a brighter future.

-S.D.

Thanks for reading! Be sure to leave a note if you have any questions, comments, or concerns. Continue the convo! Make sure to follow Lumiphos on Twitter and Instagram, as we’ll post thought-provoking questions to our recent Medium posts.

Here’s to a brighter future!